Determining wedding plus ones is no easy feat, but figuring out which guests should get to bring a guest is absolutely key to putting together your guest list.Contrary to popular belief, there is no one rule that can be applied for easy peasy planning - understanding how to go about it the right way is absolutely mission critical.
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Wedding planning brings with it a myriad of decisions, both big and small. Among these, perhaps none is as nuanced as the question of the how to determine wedding plus ones. No longer a simple matter, navigating the landscape of plus-ones in today's world requires a delicate balance of tradition, practicality, and inclusivity. Indeed it can truly feel like trying to thread a needle while riding a rollercoaster. In this deep dive, we'll delve into the intricacies of plus-one invitations, offering insights and strategies to help you navigate this modern dilemma with confidence, grace, and a large dose of real talk..that’s right. We said real talk. Are you ready?.
Which Guests Get A Plus One: Forget The Rules
When it comes to navigating the plus-one dilemma, the advice in the wedding world often boils down to useless clichés that are aimed at streamlining the criteria for who makes it on to your wedding guest list and who doesn’t make the cut.
If you don’t believe me let’s take a look at just some of the “rules” I found on various blogs and “expert” sites, just by doing a quick search:
"No ring, no plus-one."
"Plus-ones are exclusively for guests who are married, engaged, or living together."
"Plus-ones are reserved for guests who are traveling from out of town."
"Unless you personally know their significant other, they don’t get a plus-one."
"Plus-ones are only for guests who've been together for a certain amount of time."
"Everyone over a certain age automatically receives a plus-one."
"If they're part of the bridal party, they're entitled to a plus-one."
“Couples should evaluate their budget to determine if they can allow for plus-ones”
"Plus-ones are only given to guests who will know few people at the wedding."
“It’s your day, you don’t owe anyone a plus one"
Allow me to set aside my professionalism for a moment and get really, real with you. When I read stuff like this, my head explodes. It is literally some of the worst advice I’ve ever read. Really and truly. (Note to any bloggers reading this: if you wrote any of those rules, you should be ashamed…But also, you should get educated. So please, do your clients a favor, and continue reading.)
Why am I so offended? Because these cliches, while stated with the best intentions, are incredibly misleading. Trying to simplify a plus-one policy into a one liner doesn’t do justice to the complexity of human relationships and it certainly doesn’t help the couple. In fact, it does the opposite. Instead of reducing drama, it opens the door to oodles of drama by guests who are completely blind-sided by your approach.
But even more importantly is the fact that following these little rules doesn't get the couple any closer to achieving the real goal - which is creating a guest list that meets their needs by balancing their budget and venue capacity limits with their priorities for who attends, along with the happiness and comfort of their guests.
In short, these cliches try to take a calculus equation and make it into a first grade math problem.
Why Plus Ones Matter: An Adult Lesson In Hospitality
Deciding not to allow plus-ones at every turn might seem like an easy way to manage numbers and costs, but it comes with unintended consequences. Imagine a guest feeling too daunted to attend alone, or showing up feeling a touch disappointed because they couldn't bring a guest. It's a solitary experience that doesn't align with the vibrant, inclusive celebration you're aiming for. It's also just plain un-fun for most people.
Your wedding isn't just an event—it's an experience filled with joy, connection, and unforgettable dance floor moments. By sidelining plus-ones, you risk dampening the festive spirit and affecting not just individual experiences but the overall energy of your special day. You want a wedding that's as memorable for its warmth and fun as it is for its beautiful moments, and ensuring everyone has someone to share it with can make all the difference.
Encouraging Inclusivity and Comfort
At the heart of the argument for plus-ones are the principles of inclusivity and hospitality. While you may have heard the phrase “it’s your day” a couple million times by now, we’re here to remind you that that doesn’t give you license to be a bad host.
*gasp*
(Yes. We know this post is loaded with controversial opinions, so why stop now?)
Take this somewhat difficult to hear advice to heart: Don’t let your wedding turn you into a monster. And don't let the industry or silly blogs fill your head with the notion that your happiness on your wedding day is all that matters. Again, that's just more bad advice.
It’s your wedding day. Yes. But that doesn’t mean you get to treat everyone around you like a worthless peasant and get away with it. No way, Jose. Not on my watch.
The comfort and joy of your guests while attending your special day, should be paramount to you. Why? Because these are people you care about. If you make the deliberate choice to not consider the comfort or happiness of your guests, they will understand. Specifically, they will understand just how little you value and respect them, and they may choose to simply not attend your world tour, I mean, your wedding. More than that, your bad behavior may leave a lasting impression and can have some serious implications on your friendships and other relationships. Trust us, we see it all the time.
Being the host of any event, including your wedding, carries with it the responsibility of hospitality. This extends beyond mere invitations; it's about creating an environment where every attendee feels genuinely cared for and appreciated. One practical way to embody this principle is through the thoughtful extension of plus-one invitations to guests who might benefit from having a companion by their side. This gesture of inclusivity is especially meaningful for those coming from afar or those who might not know other guests well, offering them a sense of belonging and support during your special day. In essence, wedding hospitality is about ensuring that your celebration is not only a reflection of your love but also of your appreciation and respect for the friends and family who come to witness it.
Valuing Relationships
Extending a plus-one to your guests is a tangible way of demonstrating your appreciation for the significant relationships in their lives. Whether it's a romantic partner, a close friend, or a family member, acknowledging and honoring these connections underscores the importance of human connection and companionship, both of which are central to the spirit of celebration.
Elevating the Celebration
From a practical standpoint, a well-considered plus-one policy can contribute to a more vibrant and dynamic celebration. Guests who feel comfortable and at ease, thanks in part to the presence of their chosen companions, are more likely to engage fully with the festivities, adding to the overall energy and enjoyment of the event. By fostering an atmosphere of conviviality and camaraderie, you're setting the stage for a memorable and joyous celebration.
When to Be Selective with Plus-Ones
Managing Budget Constraints
While the desire to extend plus-ones to all guests is understandable, it's essential to consider the financial implications of such a decision. Every additional guest adds to the overall cost of the wedding, from catering and seating to venue size and accommodations. Detailed discussions about finances early in the planning process can help you identify where compromises may be necessary, allowing you to prioritize spending according to your most valued elements of the celebration.
Venue Limitations
Another factor to consider when determining your plus-one policy is the capacity of your chosen venue. While it would be ideal to accommodate every guest with a plus-one, logistical constraints may make this impractical or impossible. Prioritizing invites becomes essential when space is at a premium, necessitating thoughtful consideration about who receives a plus-one invitation and who does not.
Prioritizing Intimacy
In some cases, the decision to forego plus-ones may stem from a desire for an intimate gathering, where deep, meaningful interactions with each guest are prioritized over a larger party size. While this approach may result in some difficult decisions, it ultimately reflects a focus on quality of experience over quantity of attendees. By curating a guest list that is tailored to your closest friends and family members, you're creating an environment where genuine connections can flourish.
So, Who Get's A Plus One: A Personalized Approach
At the end of the day my friends, it is on you. I always advocate for a nuanced, personalized approach to handling wedding plus-ones, rather than sticking to rigid, outdated rules. You have to think about your wedding holistically. Is it going to be a large affair or an intimate gathering? Are you going to include everyone and their neighbor or just a select crew? These are the types of questions you need to ask yourself before determining your strategy on who gets a guest. While we won’t offer you hard and fast rules to stick to, we can give you a few case studies, so you understand our philosophy.
Case Study 1: The Big Family Affair With Select Plus Ones
Imagine you're planning a grand, family-focused celebration where both close relatives and friends are invited. With an extensive family network attending, it's natural that many of your cousins will already have familiar company to mingle with – each other. This shared familial bond means they'll likely enjoy the event with or without a plus-one, given the common threads of stories, memories, and relationships that bind them. So for these guests, including plus ones can be limited to long term couples that are truly part of the fam.
At the same time, consider your group of friends at the wedding. For these guests, navigating a large family-centric event where they know few people can be daunting. Recognizing this, offering the option of a plus-one becomes a thoughtful gesture. It ensures they have a companion with whom they can share the experience, making the event more enjoyable and inclusive for them. This approach not only enhances their comfort but also enriches the overall atmosphere of your celebration, fostering a welcoming environment for all attendees, regardless of their familiarity with the host family.
Case Study 2: Prioritizing An All VIP Guest List For A Truly Fun Affair For All
Let’s imagine that you are envisioning a much different type of celebration than the family blowout above, focusing on sharing the special day with your nearest and dearest, and having the time of your life celebrating with those you love. With space and budget in mind, you might decide to invite only your closer friends and family to ensure the celebration is a bonafide love-fest of those who are part of your everyday life. You might decide to skip out on the roster of 3rd cousins and distant relatives, work peeps, and old friends from high school who you rarely keep in touch with.
By refining the guest list to include only those who truly matter, the celebration becomes an 'A-listers only' affair. This strategic approach not only simplifies the event but also enriches it, allowing for the inclusion of plus-ones for all guests.This means Joan who is flying in from Vancouver can bring her girlfriend for the weekend, and Matt who has known been a solid staple in your life since undergrad can bring that girl he’s seemingly head over heels with, even though they just started dating a few months ago. Who knows?! A year from now you might just be toasting to Matt and his new wife, whose romance was given the chance to bloom right at your own wedding.
If you think I'm joking, think again. My husband and I are only married because I (fairly randomly) asked him to be my date to a wedding. I had recently gone through a breakup but the bride, Sarah, didn't want me to attend solo. So she told me to replace my ex with any guest of my choice. I had known my husband for years when I asked him to go as my date, but we certainly weren't together when we attended Sarah's wedding. One year later, we were engaged.
Now that you have seen a few ways to make it work, it’s up to you to figure out what approach will apply to you. As you consider your guest list, think about the people behind the number—their relationships with you, their connections with other guests, and their comfort and enjoyment on your big day. It's about finding that sweet spot between being a gracious host and staying true to your vision and limits.
The Consistency Myth When It Comes To Plus-Ones
We’ve touched on this in other posts but we’re about to get into it here, like, real into it. It’s a subject that we’re passionate about and we really feel there is a lack of good advice on the topic and it’s steering many couples in the wrong direction. You’ve probably heard the standard advice to stick to a strict and consistent plus-one policy across the board to avoid any guest list drama. Right? Right.
Well, here's the thing , when it comes to weddings, one size definitely doesn’t fit all. So I am calling out that advice for what it is: bad. It’s flat out bad advice and I am urging you to reconsider.
Yes, Consistency may be key. But context - context, my friend, is King. Consistency in your policy will help keep things clear, fair, and straightforward - no doubt. But here's the thing – life isn't always straightforward. And, that's where context swoops in like the superhero of your guest list saga.
Picture this: your childhood bestie is single, well, kind of single. She recently met someone after getting out of a long relationship and things are going well, but who knows if he’ll be around come your wedding day. Do you allow her a plus one so she can bring a date? And, if consistency rules, then do you have to allow for everyone else’s new boy toy? If you follow the conventional advice to stay consistent, then the answer would be yes.
But the right answer is no! No! Of course not. Because that’s insane!
This is exactly where context steps in and becomes your voice of reason.
Your good friend, the one who's been there through thick and thin - through braces and the Backstreet Boys phase - deserves a plus-one no questions asked. Why? Because her happiness and her comfort should be primo to you. Even if you haven't met her new beau. Even if they break up tomorrow and she begins dating someone else. This is one of your good friends. Of course you want her to have a great time at your wedding. You want her to be swaying to the slow songs next to you and your new husband - not crying in her chair all alone.
Now, let's shift gears to your second cousin's friend's sister twice removed – a mouthful, right? You've never met her, and she's not exactly at the top of your priority list but she’s been seeing her boyfriend for 6 months now. Do you need to allow her a guest because Becky has one? In this scenario, context whispers, "Maybe not this time." It's not about being stingy or exclusive; it's about being practical and mindful of your resources.
While consistency lays the groundwork for fairness, context adds depth and nuance to your decision-making process. Together, they create a harmonious balance, ensuring that each choice is thoughtful, fair, and true to your vision. While you should certainly aim to have some consistency in your extension of guests to avoid drama, please, please, do not forsake context!
Make Clear Communication & Compassion Count
When it comes to conveying your plus-one policy, clarity and kindness are paramount. Misunderstandings and hurt feelings can easily arise if guests are unsure about who is invited with a plus-one and who is not.
Transparent Communication
Clear and transparent communication is key when it comes to plus-one invitations. Make sure that your invitations clearly indicate who is included and who is not, to avoid any confusion or misunderstandings. If guests have questions or concerns about the plus-one policy, address them directly and kindly, reassuring them that your decisions are made with careful consideration and respect for their relationships.
Creative Solutions for Guest Inclusion
For guests who may not receive a plus-one invitation, consider other ways to make them feel included and connected to the celebration. Organizing group activities or facilitating introductions before the event can help solo guests feel more comfortable and engaged, ensuring that everyone has a memorable and enjoyable experience.
Here are some tips for effectively communicating your policy and responding to questions or requests regarding plus-ones:
1. Be Direct and Transparent: In your wedding invitations, clearly indicate whether or not a plus-one is extended to each guest. Use language that leaves no room for ambiguity, such as "We have reserved one seat in your honor" or "We kindly request the presence of you and your partner."
2. Provide Context: If space or budget constraints are influencing your plus-one policy, consider including a brief explanation in your invitations or on your wedding website. Guests will appreciate your honesty and understanding of the challenges involved in planning a wedding.
3. Respond with Grace: If guests inquire about bringing a plus-one despite not receiving an invitation for one, respond with kindness and firmness. Politely explain your reasoning and reassure them that your decision was made with careful consideration and respect for their relationship. You may wish to acknowledge your understanding if they choose not to attend.
4. Set Boundaries Early: If you anticipate questions or requests regarding plus-ones, address them proactively. Include information about your plus-one policy on your wedding website or in your save-the-date cards to minimize confusion later on.
Tips On Finding the Middle Ground
Balancing generosity with practicality can be challenging, but it's essential to ensure that everyone feels valued without compromising your wedding vision. Here are some tips for finding the middle ground:
1. Prioritize Close Relationships: Start by extending plus-ones to guests who are in committed relationships or who may not know many other guests at the wedding. This ensures that everyone has a companion to share in the celebration and reduces the likelihood of anyone feeling left out.
2. Consider Alternatives: If space or budget constraints prevent you from extending plus-ones to all guests, consider alternative ways to make solo attendees feel included. Hosting pre-wedding events or assigning seating strategically can help solo guests feel more comfortable and connected to the festivities.
3. Communicate Your Intentions: Let guests know that your plus-one policy was crafted with their best interests in mind. Express your desire to create an intimate and meaningful celebration where everyone feels valued and appreciated. To smooth over any ruffled feathers, be sure to pick up the phone and have a quick chat.
FAQ: Managing Wedding Plus-Ones
Q: How can we accommodate our guests' desire for plus-ones within our budget constraints?
A: Prioritize plus-ones for guests in significant relationships first. Assess your budget and venue capacity to determine how many additional guests you can afford. If your budget allows, you may extend more plus-one invitations as the wedding date approaches. Transparently communicate your approach to guests to manage expectations.
Q: What should we do if a guest assumes they can bring a plus-one without an explicit invitation?
A: Reach out to the guest directly and kindly explain that due to budget or space limitations, you're unable to extend a plus-one invitation to all guests. Assure them that this decision is based on logistical constraints and not personal.
Q: Is there a way to clearly indicate on the invitation who the plus-one is intended for?
A: Yes, you can specify the name of the invited plus-one directly on the invitation or RSVP card. Invites can be addressed to a specific guest and their intended date as follows: "Mr. Tom Jones & Miss Jane Peters". This should ensure that Tom brings Jane, specifically. If Tom and Jane break up, Tom should have the good sense to call and check to see if he can bring a different date in her place, or if he should fly solo as Jane was the originally intended invitee.
Q: How do we handle plus-one requests after the invitations have been sent?
A: Evaluate if accommodating the request is feasible. If not, explain to the guest that due to factors includin capacity and budget, you're unable to accommodate additional guests. Be understanding but firm in your communication.
Q: Can we later allow certain guests plus-ones if we find we have more room? How should this be communicated?
A: Yes! If space allows, you can extend additional plus-one invitations. Communicate this graciously, informing the guests that you are now able to invite them to bring a guest and ask them to confirm by a specified date. You can keep it casual via text or even pick up the phone. They'll be thrilled!
Q: How can we tactfully communicate our inability to accommodate additional guests on our wedding website?
A: Use your wedding website or a personal message to explain that you've thought long and hard about who gets a plus-one with clear and polite language. You can say:
"Please note that invitations are extended specifically to those named, and where a plus-one has been included, it is indicated on your invitation. We appreciate your understanding and look forward to celebrating with you."
If you're making lots of cuts and/or want to flesh it out more extensively on your website you could include something along these lines:
"We wanted to share a note about our wedding planning process, particularly regarding our guest list. As much as we would love to celebrate with everyone, our venue has specific space constraints that have led us to make some difficult decisions about plus-one invitations. Please understand that this was a challenging choice, driven entirely by the limitations of our venue and not by our feelings for our loved ones. We sincerely hope this doesn’t cause any disappointment and want you to know how much it means to us that you’ll be there to share in our special day. Thank you for your understanding and support as we navigate these decisions."
Q: How do we explain to extended family that they cannot bring plus-ones while allowing our friends to do so?
A: Communicate your decision through personal discussions or wedding communications, explaining that due to the intimate nature of the venue or the desire for a smaller event, you've had to make difficult decisions regarding plus-ones. Assure them that this choice is based on the need to manage space and not on the value of their presence at your wedding. Sometimes picking up the phone and having a quick chat is best route to avoid offense.
Conclusion
Ah, the plus-one conundrum: a puzzle wrapped in an enigma, dressed in a...wedding gown. This isn't just about keeping traditions and following cliches; it's about throwing a celebration where everyone feels part of the love story, without sending your budget or sanity over the edge. When it comes to wedding planning, deciding on plus-ones is less about sticking to catchy tag lines that sound like they make sense and more about orchestrating a bash where connections are celebrated, and the dance floor is never empty. Whether you're doling out plus-ones like you're Oprah at Christmas or curating your guest list with the precision of an open heart surgeon , the aim is clear: create a day that’s as joyous as it is memorable - for everyone.
While your navigating your way through the wedding planning journey, why not sprinkle a little more fun into the mix by joining our "I Do" Club, where planning your wedding becomes an extension of the celebration itself. With useful guides, heartfelt advice, and a community that’s cheering you on every step of the way. Click here to join a space where your wedding planning is not just about ticking boxes but creating moments that twinkle with your unique spark. Let’s dial up the magic, one plus-one at a time.
